And then there’s also this Ph.D. thesis. Always there in the background, usually sitting in a quiet corner of the room, managing to hide very well, to the point where it almost gets unnoticed, only then to suddenly jump up and draw all attention to itself by jumping through the room.

I feel guilty. Towards myself, towards people who said I was such a talented mathematician, but mostly towards my supervisor. He has always been great to me, and very helpful too. Gave me a lot of time and space when I needed it, to sort my life out. It wasn’t enough though, it would never have been probably, not to finish the thesis on time anyway. I will finish, I know, and I keep telling this to myself, but I’ve lost almost all of my motivation to finish. But then, I was never really excited about it in the first place. Always thought the excitement would come back one day, as it had gone so suddenly a few months before I started the job. But it never did.

It doesn’t really help either that’s it’s something form the past. A past that I don’t really want to forget, but that I definitely want to get done with.

So I spent most of today working on the damn thing. I had to. Though it was mostly trying to work on it, as I found myself staring at the computer screen a lot, trying to make sense of things that I know I used to understand quite well. And I didn’t make much progress. Again. So I ended up feeling frustrated and rather unhappy with myself. Again. But if I’ll just keep trying, it should work one day. It should.