The plane ticket I bought myself the other day will bring me back to the Netherlands in four days from now. I will be on my own again. And I know that I shouldn’t anxiously count the days and hours until the plane leaves but enjoy the (short) time we are still together instead. But then, after a bad night and a fight with an unnecessarily set alarm clock, I woke up drowned in melancholy and I can’t really seem to make it go away.

It is not just that I’d rather be with the girlfriend. Well, it is that too of course: she is the sweetest and most beautiful creature on this planet and just being with her makes life so much more worth living. But then, being away from her is just a temporary thing: it might be hard at times, but keeping in mind that it will change before too long, it is bearable.

What I am really worried about though is that don’t really know how to live my life on my own. Of course, years of experience have taught me how to make it through the days in a way that is kind of fun, kind of enjoyable and does not take too much of an effort (did I tell you I am a lazy sod?). I go to work, do the unavoidable shopping and housework and spend a huge amount of time listening to music, reading about it and writing about it. And while I have no intention of doing this less in the future, I want to enjoy it more. I want to be involved in my own life more properly. I don’t want to just listen to what happens to be on the top of the pile of CDs to review –which is the choice that not only gets the review out of the way sooner but also doesn’t involve choosing– I want to listen to what I feel like listening to. And, at the same time, I want to write what I feel like writing and read what I feel like reading, no matter if it is old or new, if it is leading to a post on this blog or to pure self-enjoyment.

But what if I lack strong feelings? Or, probably more accurately (and less depressingly), if I have a hard time communicating with those feelings? For this is what makes it so tempting to fall back, to keep on living the same old life. After all, this has become the easiest option, the default one. And it is hard, at least for me, to not follow default options.

We should go out tonight though, to celebrate life. It is worth it. It really is.